Second Guessing
by laurenreneex3
Summary: "Two futures, two soul mates…too much for any one person." Bella Swan, Eclipse Edward wasn't Bella's only choice. So…what if she hadn't chosen him? A little bit of humor, lots of romance, and a bucketful of heartache.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Characters, settings, the occasional quote, etc. all belong to the wonderful Stephenie Meyer. Any quote in italics is originally from Stephenie. I only wish I owned Jacob. ;)

Author's Note: My story starts shortly after the battle in Eclipse. It's the next morning, the morning after Bella cried for hours on end. Everyone on board? Good! Enjoy!

Chapter One:

_Kiss me, Jacob. Kiss me and then come back._

-Bella Swan, Eclipse

_"Bella…are you sure? Did you make the right choice? I've never seen you in so much pain-"_

"Edward," I interrupted him. His face was filled with worry, any hurt he'd felt at my crying over Jacob was masked. "I'm sorry for that; you never should have had to witness that."

"You love him." Edward stated it simply; there was no question, just fact. He tried to hide how much that hurt him, but I could see a flicker of it in his eyes.

There was no denying that. Edward knew it, Jacob knew it, and I knew it. "I love you too," I told him. That was all I could give him—the reassurance that I also loved him. It wasn't fair, this situation I found myself in. Someone had to get hurt. "I'm sick of hurting people I love."

Hesitantly Edward wrapped me into his arms, comforting me. "I choose you and I hurt Jake. I choose Jake and I hurt you. I hate it."

"What about you, Bella?" Edward asked me, concern evident in his voice. "Losing either of us hurts you, too. That was evident last night. So…put my and Jake's feelings aside. What do _you _want? Did you choose right last night?"

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Jacob was right yesterday. He'd told me that he was the natural path my life would have taken. There was no way I could argue with that. Jacob was like my sole mate. I would have been destined to be with him…if not for Edward. Edward truly was the love of my existence. And once, I had believed that Edward was my whole life. But he left me, and when he did Jacob became almost as permanent a fixture in my life as he had been.

I vaguely remembered something Jacob had once told me. He'd said, "_You could be happy if you let go. You could be happy with me_." Could I, though? I wasn't so sure. Could I be happy without Edward? Was that even possible? I tried to imagine it, and it was hard.

I could see both possible futures spread out in before me. Both versions of my life, both versions of _me_. First, I could see myself pale white and hard as stone. I could see myself fit in with my future family. I could see me and Edward, forever. But that wasn't all. I could see the flip side. I could see myself grow old. Human. I could see myself with Renee and Charlie. I could see children and grandchildren. With Jacob.

Edward was silent the whole time I was thinking. He was completely still around me. He just let me think without interruption. I broke out of my reverie. "I don't know," I finally answered in a whisper.

It was the first time I had ever remotely wavered. It was the first time I had even, truly, considered my second option. I loved Jake, but until now had never even fathomed a life without Edward. At last, slowly, I looked up at Edward. I could see that my uncertainty had affected it. He tried, even harder, to hide it but I could see it. Then he quickly gathered himself and his expression became blank. His only response to my indecision was to nod his head, but his grip on me loosened, slightly.

"I'm sorry," I told him and then put my finger to his lips when he tried to argue. "I know that if I chose Jacob I couldn't live without you. But I'm not sure that in choosing you, I can live without Jacob." That wasn't fair, I knew. It wasn't fair to either Jacob or Edward to be unable to make a choice between them. I continued before he could interrupt. "I've always been positive that as long as I had you, nothing else mattered. I could give up Jacob, Charlie, Renee, children, all of it. But…." I trailed off.

"But now you're not sure," Edward stated. I couldn't read the tone of his voice. It was flat, empty. "Jacob can give you all of it. A future that includes your parents, kids, grandkids, and growing old together. Jacob Black can give you a _life_." This was not the first time he had considered the possibility I knew. He could see all that I wouldn't have to give up if I chose Jacob. But could he see what I would give up? Could he see that in order to get all of that I'd have to give up the love of my entire existence?

But then…I wouldn't be giving up love entirely. I _loved _Jacob. Truly and completely, I loved him. But did I love him enough? Would I ever know? "I need some time," I told Edward. I had been so certain of my decision last night. It had hurt, but I had been sure it was the right one. But now…?

"Of course," Edward responded, his voice still not betraying any emotion. He let go of me and stepped away. "Would you like me to come back later?"

"Please," I said with a nod. I looked him straight in the eyes and for a quick moment I saw a flicker of hurt there. Then it was gone again. "I'm so sorry," I told him, fervently. "I love you more than you know."

Edward kissed my forehead and then quickly kissed my lips gently. "Bella, love, please put my feelings aside for once. Put Jacob's feelings aside. Choose what _you_ want. What's best for you." With that, he was gone, out the window.

When Edward left, the floodgates burst open again. As soon as he was gone I started crying too hard to stop. I cried because I was hurting him. I cried because I was hurting Jacob. I cried because no matter what I chose I would always hurt one of them. I cried because I felt selfish. I had two options—two _good _options, and I couldn't just choose one.

I thought about what Edward had said before leaving. How could I put either of their feelings aside? I loved them. You can't hurt the ones you love. You just can't. And what if what I wanted wasn't what was best for me? What if I didn't know what I wanted?

I was lying there in my bed contemplating all of this when I heard a knock at my window. Edward had only left a few minutes ago. Why would he be back this soon? I sat up and saw not Edward hanging on the window sill, but Alice. She had a concerned look on her face as she opened the window and climbed in.

"Alice," I breathed, already moving towards the girl I considered a sister. When I reached her she wrapped me into a hug.

"I thought you'd need a friend," she explained. "So I came as soon as Edward came home."

"How did you…?" I began, before realization hit me. "Oh. Right. My future." I assumed the future Alice saw for me kept switching between me becoming a vampire and my future disappearing completely. That would be how she'd known.

"I know you love them both, Bella. I know this is hard. But you know they both just want you to be happy. Both of them would accept whatever choice you made, as long as you were happy."

That was the part that made it all worse, though. They just wanted me to be happy. How could I hurt them? "But Alice, what about them? How can I be happy if I'm hurting them?"

"Maybe Edward wouldn't ever get over you, Bella, but he wants what's best for you. And maybe that's a family, a future, Jacob. And if it is, then he'd accept that as long as that was what you wanted. Don't you see, Edward _can't _be happy unless you decide what will make you happy?" Alice was making a point, but it wasn't that easy. "As for Jacob, maybe someday he'll move on. Maybe, someday, he won't have a choice. He could accept your choice too, if Edward was your choice. Because he cares about you, and that's what caring about someone means. Wanting them to be happy."

"Choosing Edward isn't the only way I'd have to give up something," I explained. "Sure, if I choose Edward I give up my current family and the possibility of a future family. But if I choose Jacob, I give up a family too." I couldn't loose Alice, could I? What about Emmett, Jasper, Esme, Carlisle? Even Rosalie, I didn't want to give up.

"I know, Bella," Alice responded. "But all of us only want what's best for you, too. And I think you've decided what that is," she said, giving me a knowing look.

It took a moment for what Alice had said to sink in but then I looked up at her in shock. Realization once again hit me. "Alice, my future isn't flickering anymore, is it?" I asked the question hesitantly, not sure I wanted to know the answer or not.

Alice shook her head, shooting me a grim look, but said nothing.

"You can't see my future anymore?" It was when I asked this, that I truly realized I had made my choice.

"No Bella," she said, "I can't."


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: **When I get into a story, I can't _stop_ writing. Enjoy the quick updates while they last. Once I'm back at work things will be a little slower. Enjoy! Reviews are much appreciated. ;) 

Chapter Two

"_I'll be fighting for her, too. You should know that. I'm not taking anything for granted, and I'll be fighting twice as hard as you will"._

-Edward Cullen, Eclipse

Alice and I stared at each other for a few moments. So this was it. I'd made up my mind. The choice I'd made clearly surprised Alice, but it surprised me too. I'd chose Jacob.—sweet, beautiful, _human _Jacob—over Edward. Edward was undoubtedly the love of my life. But Jacob was…Jacob. I wanted him. I wanted to grow old with him. I wanted a life with him. I could see that now.

"Oh, Alice," I said, clutching at the girl who would always be my sister. "I'm sorry, _so _sorry. I love him so much Alice, but Jacob…."

"Bella, breathe," Alice demanded, cutting me off. "Bella, you're like a sister to me. Not because you were going to marry my brother and _become_ my sister, but because I love you _like_ a sister. Unconditionally. Even if you are in love with a dog."

"But Edward…." I began.

She cut me off again. "Yes, Edward's going to be devastated. But you made the choice that's best for you, and I forgive you for not choosing Edward."

"You mean it?" I asked her, surprised. I had half-expected Alice would hate me if I didn't choose her brother. I'd expected her to want to hurt me for hurting her brother as badly as I wanted to hurt myself.

"I mean it." Alice replied. "You know, those boys aren't the only two people who care enough to want you to be happy."

"Thanks Alice," I told her, not feeling the happiness she kept talking about. Sure, I wanted Jacob, but that didn't mean I was okay with the fact that I was giving up Edward. Or the fact that I was about to hurt him worse than I could imagine.

Again I started crying. It seemed all I was capable of doing today. "How am I going to tell him?" I asked Alice, distantly wondering if she'd understand me through the sobbing.

Alice began rubbing my back. "First, you're going to stop crying," she told me. "Edward will only accept your choice if it's going to make you happy. Will Jacob make you happy?"

I thought about her question for a moment, making sure I'd made the right choice, before nodding.

"Good. Then you're going to go to my house and find Edward. Meanwhile, I'm going to go hunting." The confused look I was giving her must have prompted her to explain. "It won't help any for Edward to read my thoughts before you tell him. I can't go home yet."

I nodded again, agreeing with her logic. "Remember," she was saying, "Everything is going to work out. I know it sucks, choosing between two people you love and hurting one, but it had to happen eventually. You were hurting both of them more when you didn't know what you wanted."

I nodded again, incapable of finding words. Alice kissed me on the cheek, squeezed my hand, then turned and climbed out the window.

The drive to the Cullens was the hardest trip I'd ever made. It was harder than the ride to Arizona with Alice and Jasper to escape James. It was harder than the flight to Italy to save Edward. It was even harder than the trip to Jacob's the night before to end things with him, because this time I knew it was my final decision. This time I knew I had to hurt Edward.

When I got out of the truck, Edward was waiting for me on the porch. He was an expert at reading my expression. He must have seen on my face what I had to say to him. I saw his expression shift first to understanding and then to pain. This time, either he didn't try to cover it up, or he tried but it was too hard.

"I'm so, so sorry," I said, my voice cracking on the last word. I'd promised myself I would get through this without crying and I was going to try my hardest to keep that promise. "I love you, Edward. Truly, completely and irrevocably. Please try to understand that."

Edward nodded. The pain that had been evident in his eyes was masked now. I was amazed at how quickly he could hide his emotions for my sake. I was also awed that he still tried to make me feel better regardless of what I was doing to him. "I know," he said in a flat voice. "But you love him too. I do understand."

"It's not that you…not that you weren't worth the sacrifice or something," I began rambling, almost pleading with him to hear me out. "I would have given it all up—Charlie, Renee, a family, even my soul if what you believe is true—to be with you. If there was any way for things to work out without anyone getting hurt you know I'd have chosen it. But…." I trailed off.

"But there isn't a way," he finished for me. He nodded again, understandingly. I wished he'd stop that. I wished he'd stop being understanding. I wished he would yell at me, tell me how horrible I was.

Instead, he continued to be far too kind. "If he's what you want, what will make you happy, then I want you to be with him. He'll take care of you. He'll give you a life. Most importantly, you won't have to become a monster to be with him."

"Edward," I broke in, "You know that's not how I feel. It's not what you are it's not—"

"I know, Bella," Edward interrupted me. "Just tell me he'll make you happy and I'll let you go. I just need to know you're happy."

I paused for a moment, silent. How could I be happy when I was hurting Edward? He tried not to let it show, and was amazingly good at it, but I could see how I was hurting him. But I had chose Jacob because he was what I wanted. So there was the answer to Edward's question, I supposed. "He'll make me happy," I whispered hesitantly. "But Edward…" I began, but was once again cut off.

"Bella, it's okay. Stop beating yourself up over me. If he's going to make you happy, be happy." Edward rested his hand on my arm, comforting. "Just know that I'll always be there, if you change your mind or…or anything."

I nodded, unable to speak. I didn't trust myself to be able to keep my voice from wavering.

"And Bella?" he asked. I met his gaze. "Look after yourself, okay?" I nodded again. "I love you."

"I love you too, Edward," I told him, praying he'd know I meant it. He bent down and kissed my forehead before releasing my arm. My legs were shaking as much as my resolve as I walked back to my truck and climbed in. He watched me, standing exactly where I'd left him, as I drove away. It took all my self control not to turn back and return to him. No, I reminded myself. I'd made my choice. The right choice. I'd chosen Jacob.

When I arrived at Jacob's house I had pulled myself together as best I could. He'd told me the night before that he needed sometime, but I hoped that if he learned I'd gone back on the choice I'd made last night, he'd want to see me. Hesitantly, I got out of my truck, walked to the door, and knocked.

"Bella," Billy said as he opened the door. The shock was evident in his voice. He must have guessed what had occurred in my conversation with Jacob the night before. "I wasn't exactly expecting to see you here," he admitted. "I'm not sure Jake's really, um, up for visitors." He looked uncomfortable. I could tell he was trying to protect his son, who didn't want to see me.

If I could just talk to Jake for a minute, I was sure he would understand. I was sure he would forgive me for the previous night. Or, I hoped he would at least. "Billy, it's very important that I talk to Jake," I begged. "Please? Just for a minute?"

Something in my expression must have made Billy give in. He nodded his head, and rolled out of my way. "I can't promise he's awake, but you can try."

I gave my thanks to Billy before walking over to the door to Jacob's room. I steeled myself outside the door for a moment before pushing it open. "Jake?" I whispered, not wanting to wake him if he was asleep.

Jake's eyes opened and I was certain he'd not been sleeping. "Bella?" He asked. "What are you doing here?" He didn't sound angry. Not really. Just curious.

I walked over towards his bed and very carefully sat down, trying not to shake him in anyway. I decided to start at the beginning in order to explain. "When I left here last night, it was so incredibly hard. I cried for hours upon hours. I was a complete and total mess." Jake cringed and I wasn't sure if it was because of his pain or because of what I was telling him. "Edward witnessed it all, and this morning when I had stopped, he asked me if I was sure I'd made the right decision. When he asked me that is when I realized that I wasn't sure I'd made the right choice."

I glanced at his face, looking for a reaction to what I was saying before continuing. "You see, all this time I've been so certain that Edward was the one I wasn't willing to give up. I'd thought that I could give up anything, everything, as long as I had Edward. But that's not true. There's one thing I'm not willing to give up—you. When I realized that, I realized that I _had _chosen wrong. I've spent all morning thinking about this, and I'm sure I've made the right choice now. If you'll take me back, that is, I choose you, Jake."

Jacob looked at me with a blank expression that I couldn't read. "I don't know, Bells. You really hurt me last night…."

"I know Jake, I'm so sorry," I was pleading with him. "I made a mistake. Please, please give me a second chance Jake. Please?"

Jacob let a grin flash across his face. "I just wanted to see you beg," he informed me.

"Jacob!" I resisted the urge to smack him in his fragile state. "That is _so_ not funny!"

"I thought it was," he replied. "Besides, it did make you smile." I realized he was right. I was surprised he had been able to make me smile so quickly after what I'd been for this morning. But then, he _was_ Jacob; he was always able to make me smile. That was one of the reasons I had chosen him.

"So…," Jacob was saying. "You're serious? It's going to be you and me, Bells? Just you and me?" I could tell Jacob was trying to sound nonchalant, but the boy couldn't keep a grin off his face.

Fortunately, his grin was contagious. "Yeah Jake—you and me."

"I always knew you'd see the light," Jake informed me, his grin turning cocky. I rolled my eyes, but couldn't stop smiling long enough to reprimand him. "Get over here," he directed. He held open his good arm and I curled up against him as best I could without jostling him.

He kissed me then, passionately. He wrapped his uninjured hand in my hair and kissed me fiercely, unworried about hurting me or losing control. It felt _good, s_o good, to be kissing Jake, to be with Jake like this. There was no worrying about giving him the wrong idea, there was no guilt over loving him…there was just me and him.


End file.
